trembling over the prospect of what God calls you to do.

I think I have always (still do) avoided what God has called me to do because of fear.

Essentially, fear of failure. I think. What other fear is there? I can’t think of any that covers a broader area than fear of failure.

We’re protecting ourselves out of our calling.

When will I stop avoiding? The first step for me seems to be with dentistry. To give it up. Because what that means to me is to give up what I perceive as my only chance to securing my future. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH..

HEY! YOU IDIOT. Here’s some advice: Take your own advice.

Bow Young medarling, You are so funny. I can’t write comments on your blog entries so I write to you here. hahahah. So, I’m part of your audience :) I read your stuff cus you write so well especially when you’re ranting or simply talking about some event in your day. SO PLEASE don’t stop writing and heart-on-your-sleeving bc I LOVE IT!!! hehe.

mm… I ran into someone’s mom at the grocery store today. I’ve known of her since early elementary school where she worked and also bc her son was in my grade, but I’ve never talked to her. But anyway, my little sister works with her in the library and they talked about me and I guess Tammy thinks I’m “lost” (I suppose that’s fair). So this middle-aged lady, with clear tubes running up her arm and stuck up to her nostrils, sees my sister then turns to me and says “HEY! Don’t do it. You don’t know what you’re doing. Don’t go and get a Religion degree” and I said, “hahah, I already did, what are you talking about” and then she says “Don’t do that. Look where my degree landed me. I was an Education, Theology and French major and here I am, working in a high school library. You gotta go into something that makes you money… you’re going to be broke”

Uhm. I was shaken and provoked bc I did not see that coming. After she left, I turned to my sister and retorted: “That was so rude! I don’t even know her! Who is she to tell me that I need to value money in the same way she does! BLAH BLAH GOD BLAH”

I was so pissed! Why? PERHAPS I’M IN DENIAL?

Here I’ve been and am spending my time on how to find my own voice, my own strengths and passions, meanwhile taking in other people’s criticisms and opinions on how to live my life. It’s really hard because my logic proceeds in two directions: 1) other, older people are more experienced and have wise advice that I should take to live efficiently; and 2) I have to believe in myself and my own experiences and the truths revealed through them.

My first instinct is to view these two as opposing processes, but now that I write it out, it isn’t. Hm.

I learned this term “sublimation” used in psychoanalysis that it is a type of defense mechanism in which an individual projects “unacceptable impulses” by channeling/converting/projecting them into more “socially acceptable forms”. When I was taking the psych course that taught me this, I took out the social tie and looked at it as a process in which you choose to take your current situation or energy and channel it to make it into something sublime. For some reason, this idea of sublimation stuck with me for the past 3 years.

we are lovesick; so come Lord Jesus, come.

I’m going for it.

Whatever

I miss it so desperately. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I’m truly grateful to have been able to travel as much as I have. I can’t wait to be traveling again.

cant wait cant wait cant wait

my diet that is. How do you turn an effort that is for yourself, into a selfless effort?

what’s it gonna do if I take me out of a picture that seems to be centered on me? is that even possible?

am i trying to lessen the burden and responsibility on me? do I actually understand what I’m writing? kinda kinda no

I have to write 8 pages in the next day and a half. and then another several pages in the following two days after. motivation and discipline, where’d yall go?